Endless Apologizing Kinda Sucks

cutepupBy Lisa Alber

I don’t have anything word crafty or wise to say this week. Today’s Friday. I was supposed to have my post up by Wednesday. I do apologize.

What’s going on, you ask?

Weellll … Have I mentioned that I suffer from depression? I’m copping to it a lot these days because what happens is that when I sink below a certain point, I don’t keep track of things well … appointments, social events, and, yes, blogging commitments, slip past me. I’ve been apologizing a lot the last couple of months. It’s very tiresome.

What about keeping lists, you ask?

I do — when I’m my normal self. Writing task lists is a monumental effort right now. Listen, it’s like this: if I can barely get up the energy to brush my teeth before bed, do you really think I’m going to rally my brain to write lists?

The good thing is that I might be on the mend. I cleaned my home last week and have been keeping it tidy since then. This is a good sign.

Here’s what I wonder … Supposedly, being a published author (which I can at last say I am) means I’m a “public figure.” It means I have a choice about how I present myself professionally to the world. It’s probably not a good idea to be fully myself all the time out here — at least about the downer stuff.

But I don’t know any other way to be. So here I am! And it strikes me strange that I feel the need to apologize and explain depression. For me at least, it’s as physical an illness as, say, diabetes would be. Chemical imbalance, neurotransmitters, serotonin levels … blah blah blah. It’s just that since my particular chronic health issue affects my energy and behavior and perceptions and emotions, my very thoughts, it’s not so easy to talk about.

Ah well. Here’s what I really have to say for myself today: I’m working on my second novel, GREY MAN (tentative title), and I washed my hair this morning.

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6 thoughts on “Endless Apologizing Kinda Sucks

  1. You are far from the only writer (or even normal person) to be there. So much evidence that it’s partly genetic and large amounts chemical. Those of us who have been there understand. Congratulations on washing your hair! Sometimes that’s a huge, huge step.

  2. I hear you. I just sat down at my computer this morning and saw the sticky note reminding me that I was supposed to post a blog last night. Didn’t happen. I blame post-launch, post-vacation, new job crash. The only thing that keeps me going sometimes is the next story.

  3. I’m in the same boat, Lisa. I think a lot of writers and artists are. Particularly those of us who live alone. It’s brave of you to be open about it. Given recent events, I think the value of doing so has been well established.

    • Thanks, Stephen! I’m becoming more transparent about it as I get older — it feels better to me. Previously, I had always told myself that I just go into “funks” every once in awhile — can we say denial? 🙂

      I agree that living alone exacerbates it. So important to keep socialized. Thank god I own a dog — life saver!

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