Persephone Emerging

by Christina Lay

Like Persephone, five days out of every week, I descend into darkness, into a cold, lifeless world where the bright shining flowers of my creative life seem but a distant dream.

The darkness has a name and it is called “the day job”.

The thought came to me as I was toiling (I rarely get thoughts while on the dark side of my journey) that when I go to work, I leave my authentic self behind. Immersed in a world of numbers, inventory, and hushed retail panic, hidden away in the dim corner that I’ve come to know as “the bunker”, the playful, bizarre rantings of my writer’s mind vanish, repressed by the thoroughly uncreative reality of bookkeeping.

For one blessed month this summer, I roamed a twilight in-between realm called “unemployment”.   Despite being required to appease the grim guardians of the weekly dole, I found this place to be heavenly, for in it I discovered the magical element of Time. Sweet, wondrous, delectable Time.

In that month I completed and submitted a novella, which I sold last month.

In a suspicious twist I found that I could sit and write for ten hours without blinking an eye, relaxed, happy, hell bent on productivity. This is in contrast to my self in the underworld, where I develop an expression much like a mole sucking on a lemon, with my shoulders raised to my ears, my back rounded, my vision blurred, succumbing more completely to pain and severe annoyance with every passing minute.

None of my co-workers have any idea that I am anything other than a mole sucking on a lemon. For in their world I move as a shadow, completely separate from the true self lest the authentic me becomes trapped in the mire along with the poor soul who owes part of her life to the day job, the other who partook of the persimmon seeds named Buying a House and Running Up Credit Card Debt.

There are some benefits to this separation of self from wage slave. When I’m not frolicking in the realm of unlimited fiction, Bloggish Thoughts return. I think about process. I think about how addicted I am to writing. I feel compelled to bitch about things publicly.

Also, when I am able to revel in the hard won reward of Time, I take to the page like someone crawling out of the desert takes to water. There’s no hemming and hawing about what to do with Time. Unfortunately this has made me somewhat unbalanced, somewhat desperate. There is a lack of balance in this type of existence, because I’m loath to let a moment go by without attending to the story. Play falls away as well as chores. The hundred year briar thorns devour my house while I spin at the keyboard.

There are certain dubious allies in my life who laugh at me when I whine about working in the “real” world. What they don’t understand is this loss of self, this shutting down and turning off of the spigot required in order for the writer to function in the bookkeeper’s world, or the dread that without constant tending the dream will die. I leave my treasure, my story, behind, unguarded, like a babe in the woods, ready to be devoured by indifference, exhaustion and the compelling urge to zone out in front of the TV.

Weighed down by darkness, I play a game with myself where I wonder what it would be like not to be obsessed with a dream and then I laugh, sometimes cry, because that would mean living underground full time, away from the sunlight of imagination. The trick, the answer to the riddle, is to never forget where to find the light. To never think that the filthy lucre for which I toil is the end goal or the ultimate reward. The elixir is the dream and the ability to keep walking toward it without ever looking back.

To The Exit by Soe Than Htike

To The Exit by Soe Than Htike

 

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Persephone Emerging

  1. I find this an uncommonly sad post. I understand, as well as most, the lure of the story vs. the bill-paying job, but the lemon-sucking mole posture is a choice. There are better choices, and therein you might find the balance you seek.

  2. Interesting, and hits in the gut as always. I am trying to be authentically me at my day job these days. And sometimes get some strange looks, but that’s satisfying. I decided to be myself – like it or lump it, and the funny thing is, those that like it -really like it, and the ones that dont, well, they always suspected there was something wierd about me anyway …..

  3. Christina! I’m so with you on this. I understand Liz’s point above, but it’s not as simple as that, is it? We know — because of the big “D” –that it’s not always just about making some kind of choice. What we feel — in large part because of the “D” — is way more complex. So I get you, baby. The way I say it is that I become a gray person as soon as I walk into the office building — that’s how it feels.

  4. Thanks, Lisa, I’ve been feeling uncommonly pathetic since posting this. I’ve sworn not to let the “D” sink its fangs into me, but the result has been a sort of flat line state, like your gray person. Well, awareness is the first step in becoming full-spectrum again.

  5. Beautifully expressed, Christina. There is poetry in pain, as you amply demonstrate, and in that irony lies, I think, a third reality, difficult to characterize but common to human experience. My circumstances have been different from yours, but I’ve spent a good deal of my life in emotional flat line, and know the terrain intimately. Also the feeling that the people whose presence or impact dominates my daily life don’t know or see me at all. The net effect can be paralyzing and suffocating, particularly for those of us who live alone. It is the artist’s job to be open, delve the liminal mists that scald the skin and crack through barriers of perception. (Imagination is no mere toy.) Which can be exhilarating but also requires vulnerability and isolation. That’s why I think it’s so important to interact with a community of writers and artists. We’re the ones who understand each other, what we go through. It can be difficult for me to remind myself of my own courage. But I can say to you, clearly and with conviction, you are formidable and courageous, and I’m proud to know you. In spite of your circumstances, you write, and do it very damn well. With or without balance, you do what’s necessary to take care of yourself, and fill the available moments of your life with the work of your heart and soul. I think it’s possible to wear that with dignity, whether or not the people around you see you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s